“…to be cuddled”…..

“….a nice french kiss….”

*BLINK* *BLINK* *BLANK STARE*

Are you kidding me? While I respect Essence for keeping it clean in print, those two comments are far from my truth. Cuddling? I’m sorry ladies. If your sexual relationship has failed miserably, it’s because you read these bootleg articles in magazines and you don’t pay attention to your man.  Every partner isn’t the same. Like snowflakes and fingerprints and……you get the point.

So in true Fresh fashion, I’m going to break down, my 5 things that men want. Am I an expert? Nah. Far from it. But would you rather take advice from me or a washed up 60 year old journalist? Your call.

Number 1.

Head a.k.a Mic Check a.k.a Brain a.k.a Po Po Po Po Poker face…..[fill in the blank with any word(s) that mean that]

Find me a man that doesn’t like receiving head and I’ll find you a black person that voted for Sarah Palin (damn wait, forgot about Michael Steele…bad analogy…..well considering I’m talking about head….maybe it’s not so bad of an analogy)….Anyway, ladies, if you don’t know how to do it, learn how. There’s PLENTY of sites on line, just do a search. I’m sure you’ll even find an instructional video or two albeit x.rated. Watch it. Master it. There’s even some spots that teach classes about it. Enroll. In my past life, I was with someone who’s skills were mediocre at best but after that class, *ahem*, there was quite the improvement. I can vouch. Yeah umm moving on…….

Number 2.

Heels (and any other sexy type of clothing)

Those 1 inch heel shoes that you wear when you’re the usher in church have no business being in the bedroom.  None.   Period. 4 inches minimum. If you have a medical reason why you can’t, then go barefoot. Don’t tell me the shoes are going to come off anyway. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t but the point is men are visual and we want to feel like it’s about to go down, not that we need to pay out tithes.

Oh yeah, unless it’s a quickie, please don’t wear the granny bloomers.

Number 3.

Initiation.

Seriously.  Set it off. We’ve had a long day at work too.  We get headaches sometimes too. Difference with men though, is that we put it all to the side when we want some OR even better, we know and have convinced ourselves that a good round with our lady will cure all ills.  There’s scientific evidence to prove this. (well I don’t know if that’s true but…..) So poke your man on his shoulder the next time he’s sleeping and say “Y’all up?” (yes y’all) or set it off during halftime of the game. (Listen if you set it off during the game it better not be while he’s favorite team is watching cause you’re likely to get tossed on the floor….consider yourself warned)

Number 4.

No Inhibitions.

If I come home with some 6 inch clear heeled skripper shoes, go put a pole in the basement with a stage and download the Playa’s Club soundtrack, then damnit  you better be Diamond. All inhibitions (well most) should exit stage right. Throw them out of the door. “I’m embarrassed” “I can’t do that” “What will people think?” WHO CARES? You’re behind closed doors and curtains and blinds. Get freaky. I personally think it’s kind of crazy when I hear stories of people who have been together years and done nothing but missionary. *Yawn* Wake me when it’s over.

Number 5

Seduction.

Guess what word is in seduction? I’ll give you a second. Ready? Seduce. Wear his favorite outfit (with heels). Send him dirty text messages. Start in the morning and stay on his mind all day long. Tease him like crazy. Talk trash. All of this stuff works. I’m not making it up.

There you have it. Now if you’re a rookie, try one of these each day.  Then combine then all into a day. Got questions? You can ask me or better yet, ask your girls because trust me, one of them in the group has done ALOT to their man and you just don’t know it……

Yuppee. The company holiday party.

I rarely go and since I skipped out last year, I figure ehh maybe I’ll at least show face this year. But as the day approached, I literally had to fight with myself about going. You should have heard the excuses I was coming up with. I don’t like company holiday parties. Well…let me rephrase that. I don’t like MY company’s holiday party. So with that…I give you this week’s Fresh Five.

Five Reasons Why I Don’t Like Going to My Company’s Holiday Party

Problem #1 – It’s waaaaay TOO “stoosh” or “stuffy”. Jacket and tie are required. Held at a country club. Shit like that. Now before you all say, so what. I’ll tell you that the company culture is FAR from “stuffy”. It’s not a law firm where you wear shirts and ties everyday. If you’re not in a customer-facing department (read: sales), you can wear what the fuck you want, as scary as it sounds. So imagine what happens when you tell programmers and developers who wear shorts when it’s 20 degrees, flip flops, haven’t shaved in years and probably haven’t showered in a couple of days that they have to wear a jacket and tie.

*cricket….cricket…cricket*

Yup, nothing. They don’t show up. No one goes and then they try and question cats days before to make sure someone is going to be there. So you got managers rolling up on you like “I’ll see you tonight right Fresh”…DAMN….DAMN…DAMN…

So Fresh gets Fresh and goes. Just as I expected. Crazy looking food and the crowd looks real thin.

Problem #2 – Kiss, Kiss. I HATE feeling like I’m kissing your ass. I hate schmoozing. I hate being phony and usually at these parties, I gotta work that whole “I’m-having-the-time-of-my-life” smile but the shit is ass. Gotta introduce your date and get introduced to dates and other people. I don’t remember your name when I work with you everyday, let alone meeting you one night…..which brings me to my next problem….

Problem #3 – I work with you everyday. F*CK I wanna party with you at night for….

Problem #4 – Office Gossip. Can’t stand it. I prefer to not have my name in anyone’s mouth. Now, I can’t…..well…that was a freaky thought but let’s move on….People don’t even wait until the party is over before they start bumping jaws. “You see that girl he’s with?” “Her man look funny?” “Those shoes do not match her dress”. The next day….”So Fresh, was that wifey?!?” “I heard Fresh left the party with the such and such” OR the best one I heard today “I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMAN”….hahahahaha

Problem #5 -Wack Music. When I think of party, I think, club or house party. Music bumping. It’s hard for me to get into a “party” when I hear classical music. So this DJ last night realizes that NOBODY was touching the dance floor so he puts on recent music. JT.imberlake, Ti.mbaland…you know…dance stuff. But he has a hype man on the mic and this dude had one too many free drinks cause he’s dancing his ass off looking like this

[youtube = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ak3NQJYy_k&feature=related]

Funny as shit. Then it got worse. The DJ put on S.oulja B.oy and white people flooded the dance floor like they was about to do the E.lectric Sl.ide. They dragged our VPs and C-level management out there and that my friends meant it was time for me to leave…..

So I’d like to dedicate this post to….The Jumpoffs.

Fresh Five Ways to know that you are The Jumpoff….(i’m sure there are many more than 5).

1 – IDK MY BFF. The only way the person communicates with you is via text messages. He/She (lets be fair here…some women play the game too) never or shall I say rarely call you. It’s always “hey sexy or hey [insert term of endearment]” and then “cw2cu” and that’s it and when you tell them to call you because your fingers are tired of typing, here comes the excuse. What’s happening behind the scenes? He/She really with his #1 and can’t break away so when they do, like to go take a shit or something, they bring their phone and type you some quick message from the toilet and then disappear for hours. “Oh you sent me a message? I didn’t get it?!?!?…..Damn cell phone be fuggin’ up..”

2 – THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT and so do your jumpoffs. Have you ever seen said “friend” of yours in the daylight? Maybe once? Ok, ok, twice. But usually as soon as the sun goes down, what happens? You get a call. No….you get a text. “Missing you. Thinking about you. Can I come see you?” So you give in, say yes, they come over AND…you bump skins for a few hours. Oooooh baby…oooooh like that…..As soon as the deed is done, your “friend” takes a shower and rolls out. Skidaddles. Vamoose. Next day – you get another text.

3 – THEY CALL ME SUNSHINE. Your jumpoff doesn’t really have time to remember your name, after all, you could very well be one of many. So instead of having to remember names, you get a nickname. Sunshine. Juicy. Bubblebutt. KillaDick. Caramel. Some shit. You get the point. They never ever call you by your government name. When your jumpoff talks about you to other people, it’s by nickname. “Yo, you still fuggin’ with Bubblebutt?!?!”

4 -LET ME INTRODUCE YOU to NOBODY. It’s been a year, 365 days (you better hope it’s not a leap year) and you know nothing about your jumpoff other than their first name. Have you ever met their family? Umm….probably not. Have you met any of their friends? Usually the time you meet their friends is if you just happen to show up to the same place as them because you damn sure weren’t invited. Jumpoffs don’t get invites. That’s against the rules of jumpoffology. Jumpoffs don’t get introduced either because once that happens, that could be perceived as an act of caring or interest.

5 – DISAPPEARING ACTS. Let’s say #2 happens, your jumpoff comes over for some grown up action, everything is all good and then you don’t hear from them for like days. You get a text message days later talking about “Where you been?” You talk to your “friend” in damn increments. 2 days in a row then nothing for like 3 weeks. Then mysteriously they re-appear asking if they can come over. Poof. Now you see me. Poof. Now you don’t.

BONUS:

6 – PARANOIAFIDGETITUS. What the hell is that Fresh? Paranoiafidgetitus? I just made the shit up   It’s a condition that combines paranoia and being fidgety. After nagging the shit out of your “friend”, they finally succumb to the pressure and decide that you guys can go out somewhere…..restaurant let’s say. (they’re only doing this to give you the impression that it’s more than sex but really its just to keep you around). Anyway, you get to the restaurant and said “friend” just keeps looking around, over the shoulder, not looking at you but eyeing every damn person that walks in making sure that they don’t know anybody. They are paranoid and they won’t fuggin’ keep still. They have paranoiafidgetitus.

This has been public service announcement from Always Funky Fresh.