That’s what I said and before I could pull the wrapping off Dope Boy Fresh, she says…..

“Fresh, we need to talk”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH

“We need to talk” is the one of the worse sentences ever compiled. Whatever follows that shit is never good.

Damn women always get men when we’re vulnerable. Either when we’re horny as hell or just got some. Can’t think straight. Still got pudussy on the brain.

“Sure, what ’bout we talkin” (can’t think straight, can’t speak straight either)

“We need to talk about us”

SCCRRRRRRRRRRRRR – MOTHER FUGGIN — EEEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH

That sentence is the ABSOLUTE worse sentence ever constructed in any language. We need to talk about us. Je peux te parler? (on my junior high school French shit. I don’t even know if that’s right)

This didn’t just happen. This was years ago. And what followed after those words were her asking me to talk about OUR future. Let’s rewind even more, 2 months before those words were muttered, we just began this relationship. 2 months.

2 months. The relationship still has that new badussy smell to it (like new car smell). Everything is still fresh (no pun intended) but yet when she asked me that question, I was baffled. Like damn, so early?

Fast forward. Today my co-worker tells me that she confronted her new dude with the same question – 3 months into their relationship. He bugged out. She wanted to know where they would be a year from now. He was clueless. Said he didn’t know. And she did what most women do…..follow-up that answer with another damn question basically asking the same shit a different way…Jedi Mind Tricking us men. “Well, where do you want us to be?” Still the same answer. Same shit. So she asks me what his response meant. I am the resident male speak translator for my friends.

Well, it means you caught him off guard and he hasn’t thought about it. Hell, he really doesn’t know. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just like I didn’t know years ago when I was asked. Most men don’t think that far ahead in the early stages of a relationship. I know for sure I don’t. Give me 6 months and if we’re still together, then yeah, I’ll put thought to it. Women – well, they’ve already thought about it and have the wedding planned….(side note: I once had a girl tell me HER wedding plans for US a month into dating. I ran from that woman faster than Marion Jones on steriods son. It was like the cartoons when all you see are leaves and papers floating to the ground and a pile of dust). Her girl told her that he doesn’t have her interest in mind and it’s time to leave.

Leave? because he said I don’t know? No wonder why her girl is single. ( I feel a Fresh Five coming on this topic)

She goes on to tell me all of these little signs and clues about him and I’m sitting there like damn this girl is crazy. I just saw her mouth moving but I really didn’t understand the words coming out.

So my advice to her was to calm the hell down first. Damn coffee drinkers. Caffeine is a helluva drug.

Then I told her what I told the girl I was with years ago and this is also what I tell most people who ask me advice in similar situations.

Just relax. Enjoy the moment. Live for today and stop worrying. Stop putting pressure on the shit.

(I’m gonna stop typing for a few just to let those words marinate.)

Did it sink in yet? Cool, let’s move on….

I know those words sounded real cliche but I think you’ll make your life a whole lot better if you follow them. The girls that use to nag me early on – I mean early – about our future are the ones I chose not to be with. The one who took her time and valued our time got the ring. Get it?

I’m not saying you can’t ask that question but the earlier you ask, the more a woman/man may think you’re psycho. At some point, the man will come around to think about the future just like a woman. For me, it depends on how well I knew the person.

But Fresh, I know what foods he likes, his favorite color and drink…..Yeah but…how well do you know him?

But Fresh, I met her sister and best friends….Yeah but….how well do you know her?

But Fresh, I’m a good judge of character. I know people…..Great, no wonder why Miss Cl.eo lost her job!

Like it or not, in the early stages (read: first couple of months), people reveal what they want you to know because they want to keep you around. And in those early stages, even shit smells like roses. Ya hear me? SHIT SMELLS LIKE ROSES.

You really have feelings for your boo-boo, your bun-bun, snookums, pooh-bear, whatever. You guys talk everyday, like 4 times a day. Then it happens. One day, you only talk to pooh-bear twice. WHAT?!?!?! Stop the presses. Something’s wrong. He’s cheating. He doesn’t care about me. Now there’s all this pressure to figure out what’s going on.

How well do you really know a person that early? Really?

It’s later on that you really get to know and understand a person. I know now that wifey acts a certain way because of shit that happened in her past. I accept it because I understand. And you know when I understood, 3 years into the relationship. 3 years. 36 months. 156 weeks. 1095 days. Not 3 months. What do you really know in 3 months? I knew what position she liked. I knew she had a brother and a sister. Hmmm..that about it.

You keep forcing shit. Remember square peg. Round hole.

You can’t force your relationship to work. Goes against the law of nature. You can’t force somebody to love you. You can’t force somebody to build a future with you.  No one will do any of the above unless they are willing. That’s real.

Relationships are work. They’re about sacrifices. You gotta put some skin in the game and I’m not talking about d*ck and p*ssy. You can’t go running for the hills the first time she doesn’t cook because you’re hungry and he hasn’t seen you in a week because he’s working. When you buy a new car, if you get a flat, do you get rid of the whole car? You don’t sell your house because light bulb went out? It’s about releasing that ego because let’s be real, some of you have too much damn pride and ego and have a hard time letting it go. Well hate to break the news to you, but you gonna have to check that thing if you want to stay around these parts.

What are they doing in the alley Fresh? What the hell do you think? They’re not bumping skins (at least I have yet to see that and don’t want to either), they’re just making out, swapping spit, tongue dancing, body rubbing….you get the point. The funny thing is they have NO idea that my building has a clear view to them.

There was a couple today. Kissing, laughing, hugging, even dry humping (she sat on him and was making the motions and he was too), just enjoying themselves. Usually someone breaks up the party. But not today. I guess people figured we’ll just let them be (cold).

But I drifted……Flashbacks…..Remember those days.

It was simple.

You liked me.

I liked you.

That’s all.

No worries about FICO scores and bills and whether this person was in it just for the ‘skins or who he was with or if he had any diseases or does he have a job or does she have kids or how many people had she slept with or marriage or divorce or does he have a car or does she have her own place. None of that.

It was notes of Yes, No or Maybe.

It was telling your girl that he’s cute and having that one big mouth friend going up to the person with a “My friend likes you” or “My friend wanna go with you”

That’s how it started. Genuine contact.

No internet. No My.Space. No instant messenger. No blogs.

And that feeling you got when he/she said that they liked you too but you always knew it because he always smiled at you when you passed each other in the halls.

Then you exchanged phone numbers.

And would talk all day and sometimes night and get yelled at by your parents or brothers and sisters because they wanted to use the phone.

But no matter how much you talked, you never ever ran out of things to talk about. Ever.

And then one day it became official.

That’s my girl. (the guys would say)

That’s my man. (the girls would say)

Everybody knew because during lunch or after school you two would walk holding hands or he would have his arm around you walking to the bus stop or train station while other people in your crew walked with you.

Inseparable.

Everybody knew because you would get caught daydreaming in class twiddling your hair with one hand and writing stuff on the cover of your looseleaf with the other. “Fresh -n Stacy” with the heart around it and the arrow going through it.

And then you would try to see how compatible you were with your new mate.

FRESH

STACY

AEIOU

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Daydreaming. Of that kiss. Yes, the kiss. Pressure at first but second nature after that. Remember the first time you got some tongue? Remember the first time he felt you up and you didn’t slap his hand away?

She’d come over after school. We had 3 locks on our apartment door and I would lock them in a crazy combination. 1 and 2. then 1 and 3. then 2 and 3. That way I confused my mom so as she’s trying to figure out how to get in, we’d have time to stop doing what we were doing and put our clothes on. Clever huh?

But she was respectful. Said “Hi Ms. Fresh” everytime she saw ma dukes. Moms knew what time it was. Nothing she could do. Gotta let your kid live.

I’d walk her to the bus stop, train station, wait till it came, watch her get on and she’d call me as soon as she got home.

I’d get back on the around the block and get clowned. “Awww look at Fresh” ……”That’s you Fresh”….and the classic “You pop that cherry?!”

And you answer yes, even though you didn’t. But when you did, they knew. Everyone knew because your whole demeanor changed even though you thought you were the same. You had “I-just-got-some glow”. People still get it. Look around.

“Pop that cherry Fresh” – YUP. Got the jim hats from the older dude in the building. Had a cassette tape of slow jams I taped off Quiet Storm the night before. Got some incense because older dude told me pelvis bumping might leave an odor. Both of us, undressed and nervous. Locks 1 and 3 today just in case. Put the hat on. Found the entry with no problem. (I heard the horror stories) Looked into her eyes which told me that she trusted me and that this moment would never be forgotten, no matter what happened in the future.

Teenagers in Love.

You bought gifts for your teenage love. Christmas, birthday, whatever. You made it work no matter how much money you did or didn’t have. Downtown Brooklyn. Albee Square Mall. I got her some dookey earrings with her name in the middle in script or an airbrushed sweatshirt or I went to Consumers (who remembers that!?!?) and copped the tri-colored bracelet or the XOXOXO joint or maybe I’d hit Delancey street and cop a deal on some Jordache.

And when I got my new chain with a pendant, she rocked it. That’s my girl yo.

And when I got my varsity jacket. She rocked it. Even though she went to a different high school. Cause that’s my girl yo.

She wanted to buy me some British Knights or Travel Fox but her mom told her that I’d walk out her life. So instead I got the Geo.rgetown Starter jacket with the matching hat. Serious.

It was simple.

Was it really love? I don’t know. I don’t care to know. I know it was fun. That’s all that mattered.

[youtube = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFOQyZ5oB60]

[youtube = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2YiRMQGVlY]