Et Tu Fam?
So here’s the situation.
About a year ago, a family member was going through some tough times. While no one knew exactly what was going on and since there was no official diagnosis, it was visible that this family member had some serious self esteem issues which I believe led to a bout with depression. (That’s just my opinion. I’m only a “internet” doctor but nothing was “officially” diagnosed)
Everyone tried their best to help during these times. People let this family member stay at their house. People paid this person’s bills and rent (because they walked away from…not lost….walked away from their previous job). Eventually there were glimpses of hope. One day, said family member told another family member that they were feeling better and ready to move on. At the same time, coincidentally, I was presented with an opportunity that I thought would be perfect especially since said family member had experience in that field. I took it to other members of the family. They agreed it would be good and then I presented it to said person. It would allow them to get back on their feet, although not right away but eventually. I would front them with what they needed and then everything would get turned back over to them.
Fast forward.
Everything started off well but over the last…let’s say…month, it’s been downhill. The family member is slacking on the job. The level of effort isn’t there anymore. The family member is taking advantage of the situation. Both I and wifey have spoken to said family member on a few occasions and things get better for a day, and then they go right back to slackerville. Last week I decided to alter my schedule a little bit and get a glimpse of it myself. Unannounced. It was a complete embarrassment. I felt like I was getting played. To top it off, at this point, I had figured that this family member would have enough to stand on their own beginning in May. Come to find out, they are no where close. No where.
Let me give you a comparative example. Imagine if you live with someone who has no job, pays no bills and you come home one day from a long day at the job and you walk in and this person is sitting on the couch watching Oprah or TMZ with their feet up on the couch. Wouldn’t you be pissed? I would. Now take this same person, give them, like $500 to aid in their job search and they tell you, they spent it all on Grey Goose and cigarettes. Still pissed?
That night I drove to another family member’s house. Now when all of this stuff first started going down, he was the only person that was anti-everything. He didn’t think they were depressed nor did he think this person deserved the opportunity and he left it at that. So when I told him the story he wasn’t surprised. He said this person (that he probably knew fairly well because he’s been around them his whole life) has always felt entitled and that they were lazy. This is a cycle they go through all the time.
F*&^@!
When I first started typing this blog, I was going to ask blogland to weigh in. By the time I got to F*&^@!, I already made up my mind. It’s a done deal. I made the call and told my peoples that if they want to end the opportunity, go right ahead.
At first I thought well maybe I forced this on them. Maybe they weren’t ready to move on like that even though they said it. But they were presented other opportunities in the past and turned them down so I dismissed that theory. Then I thought well, maybe it’ll just take more time. But it’s been almost 8 months. Then I realized………
You can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves especially when it comes to family. They will be the first ones to walk over you. You can’t steer their ship. You can’t right their wrongs. You can’t drive their car because when you do, they expect you to do that all the time. You have to let them learn. On their own. Gotta let them fly.
So what do you think blogland? ( I changed my mind. Interested in hearing your opinion………….)
You’ve done all you can do. Live, learn, and let that person hang.
@Ms. Wright
correction: get 4 jobs in two years
you said it right there bro! you cant help someone that doesn want to help themselves. This person has been taking STRAIGHT advantage and will continue to do so as long as you let them.
I’ll give you an example:
my ex bf. He was the slacker of all slackers. 4 of his friends helped him to get a job in TWO YEARS. he got the jobs and worked really well for about 2 months OR LESS and then would go right back to smoking weed before he brushed his teeth in the morning and laying up in his mama’s basement all day. he probably was employed for all of 6 months TOTAL in two years. But he kept doing it, you know why? Because there would always be a friend to come along and try to help him get a job and his mama- his enabler-would give him money when we wasn’t working etc. and I’m not talking about 10 dollars to run to the store and he keep the change now…like 100 dollars one week..200 dollars the next two weeks….
You see where this goes? a vicious cycle with YOU and Mrs. Fresh footing the bill . You’re gonna have to put a stop to it eventually.
I think you’re right Fresh:
“I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.” — Morpheus.
Fresh, AKA Morpheus, if Neo doesn’t want to walk through the door, there’s nothing you can do about it. At this point, I think your best move is to try to repair your reputation and that relationship.
Good luck.
M
I agree with Coop. Save the business relationship. It’s very rare that I refer people for jobs, especially if my reputation is at risk. Some people are worth the risk but not those known to be shady. I don’t care how much they claim to be improving. To quote one of my favorite lines from Jason Lyric “you trying to save a brotha that don’t wanna be saved”. Never works. Help them learn to be resourceful and do it on their own. Anything beyond that….deuces.
I’d work on saving my reputation with the person who helped your fam get the job. Wouldn’t want this to mess up that relationship.
And you said it best: You can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves especially when it comes to family.
I love my family. LOVE. But it’ll be a snowstorm in hell before I lend them money or recommend them for jobs. I’m honest — I know the work ethic that’s in my family and I know how infrequently they repay money. Folks who have always had a silver spoon in their mouth (even if that spoon only had spam or potted meat on it) simply don’t know how to do for themselves and will never learn until they have no choice.
Give them no choice, Fresh.
Rule number one: NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH A FAMILY MEMBER.
Rule number two: NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH A FAMILY MEMBER.
Cut your losses, chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. *sigh*