Always Funky Fresh – The Blog v2.0

So I’m sitting on the toilet this morning reading one of  wifey’s old Essence magazines when I come across the classic article title “What Men Really Want in Bed”. Hmmm ok. Let’s see what they say. I flip to the page and see things like

“…to be cuddled”…..

“….a nice french kiss….”

*BLINK* *BLINK* *BLANK STARE*

Are you kidding me? While I respect Essence for keeping it clean in print, those two comments are far from my truth. Cuddling? I’m sorry ladies. If your sexual relationship has failed miserably, it’s because you read these bootleg articles in magazines and you don’t pay attention to your man.  Every partner isn’t the same. Like snowflakes and fingerprints and……you get the point.

So in true Fresh fashion, I’m going to break down, my 5 things that men want. Am I an expert? Nah. Far from it. But would you rather take advice from me or a washed up 60 year old journalist? Your call.

Number 1.

Head a.k.a Mic Check a.k.a Brain a.k.a Po Po Po Po Poker face…..[fill in the blank with any word(s) that mean that]

Find me a man that doesn’t like receiving head and I’ll find you a black person that voted for Sarah Palin (damn wait, forgot about Michael Steele…bad analogy…..well considering I’m talking about head….maybe it’s not so bad of an analogy)….Anyway, ladies, if you don’t know how to do it, learn how. There’s PLENTY of sites on line, just do a search. I’m sure you’ll even find an instructional video or two albeit x.rated. Watch it. Master it. There’s even some spots that teach classes about it. Enroll. In my past life, I was with someone who’s skills were mediocre at best but after that class, *ahem*, there was quite the improvement. I can vouch. Yeah umm moving on…….

Number 2.

Heels (and any other sexy type of clothing)

Those 1 inch heel shoes that you wear when you’re the usher in church have no business being in the bedroom.  None.   Period. 4 inches minimum. If you have a medical reason why you can’t, then go barefoot. Don’t tell me the shoes are going to come off anyway. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t but the point is men are visual and we want to feel like it’s about to go down, not that we need to pay out tithes.

Oh yeah, unless it’s a quickie, please don’t wear the granny bloomers.

Number 3.

Initiation.

Seriously.  Set it off. We’ve had a long day at work too.  We get headaches sometimes too. Difference with men though, is that we put it all to the side when we want some OR even better, we know and have convinced ourselves that a good round with our lady will cure all ills.  There’s scientific evidence to prove this. (well I don’t know if that’s true but…..) So poke your man on his shoulder the next time he’s sleeping and say “Y’all up?” (yes y’all) or set it off during halftime of the game. (Listen if you set it off during the game it better not be while he’s favorite team is watching cause you’re likely to get tossed on the floor….consider yourself warned)

Number 4.

No Inhibitions.

If I come home with some 6 inch clear heeled skripper shoes, go put a pole in the basement with a stage and download the Playa’s Club soundtrack, then damnit  you better be Diamond. All inhibitions (well most) should exit stage right. Throw them out of the door. “I’m embarrassed” “I can’t do that” “What will people think?” WHO CARES? You’re behind closed doors and curtains and blinds. Get freaky. I personally think it’s kind of crazy when I hear stories of people who have been together years and done nothing but missionary. *Yawn* Wake me when it’s over.

Number 5

Seduction.

Guess what word is in seduction? I’ll give you a second. Ready? Seduce. Wear his favorite outfit (with heels). Send him dirty text messages. Start in the morning and stay on his mind all day long. Tease him like crazy. Talk trash. All of this stuff works. I’m not making it up.

There you have it. Now if you’re a rookie, try one of these each day.  Then combine then all into a day. Got questions? You can ask me or better yet, ask your girls because trust me, one of them in the group has done ALOT to their man and you just don’t know it……